User talk:ChoaticHarmony
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Animalistic page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 18:37, August 9, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:51, August 9, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:38, August 10, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story Your story was deleted as it failed to meet the minimum quality standards for the site. Your stories were riddled with capitalization, grammatical, punctuation, wording, and story issues. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story as these issues are very noticeable and severely weigh down the work. As both stories contained the same errors, I will only focus on the latter as a means of saving myself a couple of pages and a lot of redundancy. Capitalization: You randomly capitalize words in the middle of sentences that are not proper nouns. "To me, Ignorance (ignorance) actually seems as if it describes Ignoring (ignoring) knowledge on purpose.", "But you'd have to be stupid to agree that the human race simply had nothing left to learn thanks to today's Science (science)", " I answered it, Identifying (identifying) the caller as my Father (father).", "Mom would constantly compare me to my sister, Rubbing (rubbing) my nose in all of my mistakes.", etc. Capitalization issues cont.: You also improperly capitalize dialogue tags. ""Not well," He (he) said.", ""Yes?" He (he) calls from behind the shed.", ""You think your sister is a flop?" He (he) started dangerously.", etc. You forget to capitalize the start of sentences as well. "that. you're on your death bed and she isn't here.". Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "A hefty wild dog glared back at me with it's (its) dark brown eyes.", "It snarled, baring it's (its) teeth in a twisted sneer,", "as foam leaked from it's (its) snout.", "I dared not look into it's eyes", etc. There=indicatory, their=possession, they're=they are. "I have no idea what their (they're) doing to your state of mind, but your body is actually benefiting from the hormones.", "But you will start being able to see the aura of peoples moods and tell if their (they're) being false."" Punctuation: You forget to apostrophize multiple possessive words as well as contractions. "I wanted to know how someone(')s thoughts could lead to taking another's life.", "Knocking on my parents(') door, I stood on the patio awkwardly.", "Walks in the deeper woods by where my parents(') retirement home was usually cooled me down,", "We believe that you new heightened sense will allow you to be able to see human aura's (auras)", "So now, I sit on my parents porch, my guitar in my lap", " Shes the one that has a house!", etc. Punctuation issues cont.: You also improperly punctuation numerous lines of dialogue. ""She's got about two years, Ryleigh.(,)" He responded.", ""She isn't here yet. She's coming tonight.(,)" Mom replied", ""Watch your mouth, Ryleigh.(,)" Dad said.", ""Sorry, mom, but I need a minute.(,)" I retorted.", ""Oh my God.(,)" I whispered under my breath.", ""You've been asleep for days, we were wondering if you'd ever wake up." Dad put in", etc. Wording: "My salty tears made my face feel chilled.", "I had to work two times harder for acknowledgement over a success I had, and it was tiring.", "Releasing a scream, I fell into the marshy earth with my arms guarding my neck.", ""He said the change is making physical changes to you body.", "Does that mean that I will have the same affects as if I were on a drug?", ""What we have here is an analyse of what your brain has been doing.", "I haven't a clue if that hing (thing) is dangerous", "Challenge excepted (accepted), You old fool.", etc. Wording issues cont.: You randomly switch gender throughout the story. "The beast, it's throat rumbling with deep snarls, propelled itself forward with all of it's might, teeth targeting my frail neck. Releasing a scream, I fell into the marshy earth with my arms guarding my neck. Pain raced through my body as his teeth collided with my arm." and "I hit him once more in the legs with my stick before running as fast as I could out of the woods and into the park. The dog followed me until it saw the other humans. It growled, a low, threatening noise, before retreating into the ominous woods." are examples of this. You need to be uniform when identifying something as it comes off as jarring when the creature's sex randomly switches without any indication that the protagonist has more detail. There are a lot of other mechanical issues here (like fragmented sentences "Most unlike my parents." and multiple instances of you switching from past tense to present tense throughout the story), but I really don't want to spend too long on this and skip over the most problematic issues, the plot itself. Story issues: First and foremost, we do not allow proxy stories as they are currently blacklisted due to their tendency to be formulaic (more on that below) and have numerous plot issues without an appeal being made first. This one is clearly a Slenderman proxy story with lines like: "My thoughts have gone rotten. So rotten that my dreams can't escape the man without a face." and "He watches me. His aura is black, just like the suit he wears.". Posting another will result in a temporary ban. Story issues cont.: Besides the scientific approach feeling very out-of-place and incorrect, it also comes off as over-expository. Lines like: "The doctor says that you are being subjected to five times the amount of hormones you're supposed to have. The DNA of the dog you encountered, the rabies, and the radiation has sent your hormones high wire." and "Dogs have an ability to see things humans can't. We know that. They can see and smell illness and the supernatural. We believe that you new heightened sense will allow you to be able to see human aura's or intentions." He concluded." feel incredibly out of place being explained by a doctor. How exactly has he reached this conclusion and how does he not know that rabies is an invariably fatal disease? Story issues cont.: The lines feel like they were written by a teenager and really feel like you're trying to shoe-horn conflict into the story in an incredibly awkward manner. ""Whatever. You would rather worry about me. When I look after myself, I mess up, remember?" I blurted. "It's not like you want me to be myself anyway."", "You just made more mistakes than she did. You should've followed in her lead and been a good girl instead of getting caught up in you music. You could've had a better life.", and "I wish I had only one daughter. Would've saved me saved me some trouble." are the most egregious examples of this. Story issues cont.: "I held him down, savoring the moment of success I had over him Savoring how I had been the Alpha in the end. I wasn't a beta anymore. I would never be." and "I was an adult now. A grown She-Wolf." Due to this being the first time the author even mentions the alpha/beta concept towards the end of the story, it feel more like an attempt at working in your OC/CPC's catchphrase into the story. In fact, a lot of your story feels like it's trying to hit the plot points for your typical CPC story (A character has issues at school/home, is disfigured/injured in an attack, randomly begins murdering). There are other plot issues here, but once again, this is a lot of information to take in so I'll wrap it up here by saying that stories with the same pitfalls mentioned above will be deleted for the sake of fairness to the other authors on this site. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:51, August 10, 2017 (UTC) :No problem, feel free to use the writer's workshop for your next story as it's a good place to get insightful feedback. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:14, August 19, 2017 (UTC)